The Daily Rebuttal

24 Hour Hand Sanitizer

2009-10-29T10:32:00.003-06:00

I'm helping out a friend launch a new product called GermFree24. It is a 24 hour hand sanitizer that protects against bacteria, viruses, fungi and pathogens. One spray all day is all it takes. Check out the website at http://onesprayallday.com.

Chaos Arrives In Utah

2009-07-22T11:00:00.002-06:00

The recession has hit Utah hard. Real hard.

Some companies cutting costs in the bathroom

July 21st, 2009 @ 11:07pm

By Mary Richards

SALT LAKE CITY -- Some have started to notice the nice two-ply paper they used to have in the bathrooms is now one-ply, or a very thin two-ply, and those quick-drying paper towels are now much thinner.

Jill Vanikiotis with Holt Cleaning Supply in Layton says it's happening more often.

"People still want good quality, and it's really hard to find good quality for low prices," Vanikiotis said.

So, they are shopping around.

Bryan Holt of Holt Cleaning Supply says in the past two months they have lost some accounts as companies try to find their own cheaper sanitary supplies.

A representative of Brady Industries, which is also a janitorial and paper supplier, says a few of the companies they work with have also recently switched to cheaper brands of toilet paper.

Still, Vanikiotis says sometimes the lowest bidder isn't the best.

"The lowest cost is coming from China, and they don't have a high-quality limit," she said.

Vanikiotis says that means one box that looks the same and has the same name may be a poorer quality. She says speak up to your company if you don't like what you are seeing in the bathroom.

Greg, 30. Musician

2009-07-18T13:51:00.001-06:00

Now that Greg doesn't look like a child molestor, he can focus on his
music career.

Woogi World

2009-06-22T11:22:00.003-06:00

I received an strange google talk today. The email of the innocent have been changed.

(10:53:56 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: hey
(10:54:08 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: hey
(10:54:27 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: do you have 2 emails or something?
(10:54:42 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: i have many
(10:54:46 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: oh
(10:55:20 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: well you should call me some time. Not now i don't think though
(10:55:32 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: who is this?
(10:55:40 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: kaydee
(10:56:03 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: who do you think I am?
(10:56:30 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: my friend from woogi world. Isn't it you?
(10:56:46 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: well no. But woogi world sure sounds fun
(10:57:00 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: umm......okay?
(10:57:15 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: Are you just kidding with me?
(10:57:25 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: no seriously. I like in Utah
(10:57:34 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: oops
(10:57:36 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: *live
(10:57:37 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: you mean you live
(10:57:39 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: yeah
(10:57:40 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: yeah, that too
(10:57:48 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: yeah
(10:57:51 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: okay this is weird
(10:57:53 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: you are in Utah?
(10:57:58 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: yeah
(10:58:04 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: in Provo
(10:58:11 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: you live in orem
(10:58:12 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: woogi world is in provo?
(10:58:17 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: no, i live in West Jordan
(10:58:22 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: no! just forget it
(10:58:32 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: okay then
(10:58:33 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: bye
(10:58:38 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: sorry woogi
(10:58:44 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: what
(10:58:53 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: are you woogi?
(10:59:02 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: ammon I know its you
(10:59:05 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: what?
(10:59:13 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: gosh never mind@
(10:59:14 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: !
(10:59:17 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: yeah thats my name
(10:59:24 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: but I think you have the wrong Ammon
(10:59:25 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: okay yeah whatever
(10:59:40 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: well i got this email and another one from him
(10:59:44 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: but whatever
(10:59:45 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: later
(10:59:54 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: later
(11:00:01 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: shut up!@
(11:00:32 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: but really, you have the wrong ammon
(11:00:41 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: yeah yeah whatever
(11:01:18 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: this is Utah. there are probably 5,000 Ammon's here
(11:01:30 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: whatever!
(11:01:40 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: how old are you?
(11:01:49 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: i'm turning 12 tomorrow
(11:02:02 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: See, I'm 33.
(11:02:05 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: Wrong Ammon
(11:02:10 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: okay then
(11:02:15 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: stop talking to me then
(11:02:24 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: you
(11:02:28 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: gaywad
(11:03:02 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: this must be to catch a predator
(11:03:11 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: Leave me alone
(11:03:19 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: i'd be happy to
(11:03:27 AM) ammonk@gmail.com/F2179C32: good luck finding ammon
(11:03:31 AM) anonymous@gmail.com: now shut the heck up!!!!!!!!

Local News

2009-04-15T09:38:00.002-06:00

I like to keep you all up date on the happenings here in Utah. In case any of you decide to take a vacation to Ogden, or even happen to live there, please be cautious of Guadalupe Fernandez Andrade. She is evil and will curse you. And may even take your food stamps.

Woman hires witch doctor, files complaint over curse

April 15th, 2009 @ 8:44am

By Mary Richards

OGDEN -- Ogden police received a complaint from a woman who says someone put a curse on her, forcing her to hire a witch doctor.

Police say Jennifer Madrigal called them around 10 a.m. Tuesday to file a harassment complaint against Guadalupe Fernandez Andrade, who Madrigal claimed had put a spell on her.

The curse was that Madrigal would be hit by a car.

Madrigal was upset that she had to hunt down a witch doctor and pay $800 for a ritual involving an egg to reverse the spell.

The Standard-Examiner reports the relationship between the women is unclear, but the curse apparently came after a dispute over food stamps.

Ogden police tell the Standard-Examiner this could be the strangest call they've ever received.

Jon and Kate + 8 = Who Cares?

2009-03-23T20:49:00.002-06:00

I'll make this quick because I don't want to put much effort into this. Lindsey watches Jon and Kate Plus 8. When she first started watching it, it was somewhat interesting to see people like me and you struggling to raise 8 kids.

Fast forward to now. Here's a show about a family of 10 who have enough money to do whatever they want. They get special treatment wherever they go. They obviously don't pay for half the things they have. So the question: Who cares? What is so interesting about watching a show about a large family that can do whatever they want?

Oh and Kate, that mop on your head is hideous. Either grow the back out longer, or cut off that rats nest that is hanging down in front of your face.

MARCH MADNESS

2009-03-16T14:42:00.001-06:00

It's that time of year again. Join the group. Make your picks.

JOIN HERE

Utah Legislation To The Rescue

2009-03-12T13:18:00.002-06:00

I'm really hoping that gang members will abide by these laws like they have all the others. I'm so happy to see my tax dollars hard at work.

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- The Utah Legislature has approved a bill that would prevent someone convicted of a gang-related crime from carrying a dangerous weapon for five years.

Senate Bill 28 would prohibit some convicted gang members from possessing guns, ammunition or anything that looks like a firearm.

A violation of the law would be a class A misdemeanor.

The bill was one of several gang-related bills sponsored this year by Sen. Jon Greiner, R-Ogden. Greiner is Ogden's police chief and says the bills are a response to a rash of gang violence.

The bill passed in the Utah House on Thursday 63-7. It now advances to the governor.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDSEY!

2009-03-10T09:39:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife!
Thanks for making the last 11 years the happiest of my life!

To Be Up, Or Not To Be Up. That Is The Question

2009-02-26T14:14:00.005-07:00

Is it really that important for us men to put the toilet seat down? We use the bathroom more then you women and therefore, shouldn't WE deserve to have the toilet seat left up? And really, how many of you have actually fallen into the toilet like you claim, due to the toilet seat left up at night?

** UPDATE ** Sam has requested the following diagram and write-up be added:

I worked up this diagram to illustrate my point.
When men arrive at the toilet, if the seat is left in position A, no change is required. When women arrive, they will already be heading to position B, so they can easily take the toilet seat with them.

If on the other hand the seat is always left in position B, then each time a man arrives at the toilet, the seat will have to travel distance C twice- both before and after urination. As Ammon points out, a lot of needless movement. Most likely the result will be that the travel from B to A will not occur and drippage will be the result. An unfortunate reality we all live with.

** UPDATE ** Sam brings up a good point. Seat would be the thing you sit on. Lid would be that which covers the seat.

Donut Etiquette: Part 2

2009-02-18T11:31:00.003-07:00

I got in this argument again last night with Corbie. I allowed her to give her argument here on my blog for all to see. Please note, these are HER words, NOT mine.

---------------------------

It is critical as you read this to remove any and all emotion from this argument. This is purely a logic and fact based argument that I had with Ammon last night (and one in which he stubbornly refused to listen because he can't separate his emotions from the scenario). So, let me give the disclaimer that I, too, find half eaten donuts disgusting. I would never eat one, nor can I imagine why anyone else would. However, that is an emotional response...what I like to call the 'ick' factor. Now, here is my argument that I had with Ammon.

First off, let's assume that I work in an office with Ammon and someone brings in donuts. Let's also assume that there is enough for everyone to have one (if there is a shortage of donuts, this argument takes on a new component). And say I am a woman who only likes to eat half of a donut for whatever reason. This leaves me with three options:

1) Eat the whole donut and ingest more calories than I want, thereby making me feel guilty and/or making my ass bigger.
2) Throw half of the donut away, making me feel guilty because it is wasting food.
3) Leave half on the plate in the break room on the off-chance, however remote, that someone (unlike me or even Ammon) will be willing to eat the half that I have left.

So, while none of these options are 'ideal', the third one seems the best option for ME. As in, it is the lesser of three evils. It leaves me feeling no guilt and it still allows for the remote possibility that SOMEONE (whomever that is) will eat the donut and benefit from it (the first two options benefit absolutely no one and don't even have a remote chance of benefitting anyone).

Now, in these three instances, I would like you to address which (if any) benefits Ammon the most. Here's how I see it:

- In option 1, Ammon doesn't get any more donut than he would have gotten because I have eaten it. No benefit to Ammon.
- In option 2, Ammon doesn't get any more donut than he would have gotten because I have thrown it away. No benefit to Ammon.
- In option 3, Ammon doesn't get any more donut than he would have gotten because he is grossed out and (understandably) refuses to eat the remaining half donut.

See, my argument is that in all of these three options, the end result to Ammon is the same. However, the end result to me is different (and better) in option #3, and thus, option #3 is the most desirable one. Ammon's argument is that I should take the donut and eat it or throw it away because I am 'wasting' a donut. But see, the donut was 'mine' to waste - not his. There is no scenario of the above three that results in him getting any additional donut and yet option #3 is actually the LEAST wasteful in that it leave the remote possibility that SOMEONE will get additonal donut.

Remove the emotions, remove the 'ick' factor, and then try to tell me that I am wrong.

-------------------------------

The feelings expressed in this blog post do not represent those of the owner.

Donut Etiquette

2009-02-05T08:05:00.002-07:00

Every Friday at work, they bring in donuts and/or Bagels. Without fail, someone will cut 1/4 piece of donut and/or bagel and leave the other 3/4's on the tray. I believe this is a a crime, others do not. If you aren't going to eat the whole thing or find someone else to eat the other 3/4, you might as well leave regurgitated food on the tray.

Let's put this to a vote. Who's with me?

RUNCE 84inch PROJECTION TV LCD

2009-01-28T14:54:00.004-07:00

Since Home Theater and that type of stuff is right up my alley, I found this ad (spelling has not been changed) quite amusing. A couple things to ask yourself while reading. What is a Runce? And exactly what type of TV is this? Plasma? LCD? Projection? Rear Projection?:

P.S. Mexican not included.

RUNCE 84inch PROJECTION TV LCD

THIS IS A VERY NICE PLASMA TV.YOU CAN WATCH THE SUPERBOWL.AND ITS LIKE YOU ARE THERE ON THH FIELD.UNEXPECTED MOVING OUT OF STATE AND NEED THE MONEY TO GET THERE.VALUE OF THIS TV IS $5000.00.IN GREAT CONDITION.GOT TO COME SEE IT .ONCE YOU SEE IT YOU WILL WANT TO BUY IT .I HATE TO PART WITH IT BUT HAVE NO CHOICE.THEY DO NOT MAKE THIS SIZE PROJECTION DLP ANYMORE,IT IS ALSO GOOD FOR PLAYING THE PLAYSTION GAMES AND XBOX GAMES.THIS PLASMA TV WAS STORGED FOR 15YRS AND WAS NEVER SETUP.IT WAS ONLY SETUP THIS YEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME AS I WAS TOLD WHEN I HAD BROUGHT IT.SELLING IT FOR WHAT I PAID FOR IT NOTHING MORE.

Yes, use it.

2009-01-22T07:29:00.003-07:00

My bus stop seems to be a happening place for treasure hunting. My last find is still priceless, but this will be great for any loud talker in your life. Or that certain someone who is still searching for their soul.

Personal Recommendation

2009-01-19T20:06:00.004-07:00

It's no secret that I am clean. In fact, I let everyone know about my bidet. So here is my personal recommendation for all of you to try. The Bidanco Bidanit. It's worth it's weight in gold. Once you use it, you'll wonder how you lived your life without it.

Congrats To The Utes, But I'm Still Bleeding Blue

2009-01-16T15:43:00.005-07:00

I'm here to give full credit to the Utes. Yes, they have earned the right to be #1. I even went up to the roof of our building to show my support for their parade.

That said, I am still a Cougar fan. I am no traitor to my team. Max Hall will play for OUR team next year and we will win.

23 Years, 2 Weeks and 4 Days

2009-01-12T15:52:00.009-07:00

Dec. 25, 1985. Day 1. Page 1:

budgie my parrot parrekeet

Today is christmas, i wanted an octumus prime but I got something better. I got a tractor & robotix. I got this journal too. I also got a tooth-brush timer. I got a parrot & I named him budgie. Today Isac & marcus came to our house. I am in bed now, It was a fun day. today I went over to my cousins house to. I am writing with my new pen.

--------------------------------------

I stumbled across my journal from 23 years ago. I remember this Christmas quite vividly. Well, not really a lot of detail, but I specifically remember wanting Optimus Prime. Of course, I referred to him as Octumus. Either way, I never got it. It was the Red Ryder of my youth, except Santa gave me the shaft.

In all reality, I got more out of my Robotix: Argus 2000 than I would have out of an Optomus Prime. But when you're 10 and Prime was your hero, you gladly give up all your toys to get your hands on a full size Optimus Prime with trailer.

For the past 23 years, I have never forgotten this. I've reminded my dad about it on a quarterly basis since then. Lindsey has had to endure my speeches of not getting the one toy I always wanted and how I was never able to go see the movie because it was rated PG. "And if a cartoon is rated PG, then it must be really bad"

My Dad has since confessed that he was never able to find it, and that the ones he did find were $100+. But a band-aid by the name of Robotix was placed upon the would and the scar would forever be there.

Fast forward to Christmas 2008. Porter's favorite movie is Transformers. Yes, the one that came out in 2007. He watches it at least once a day and can quote the movie word for word.

So while we were shopping for Blackout and Starscream for Christmas, I stumbled upon this:

I'm not sure if Lindsey saw that she was back at Target with a 10 year old boy again, or if she was just trying to be nice. But $70 later, and Optimus Prime 25th Anniversary G1 Series was being wrapped up for Porter for Christmas.

Deep down she knows that the toy was more for me than it was for Porter.

But 23 years, 2 weeks and 4 days later, I can finally have my closure.

Bacon and Egg Ice Cream

2009-01-07T09:50:00.009-07:00

I first saw this on one of my favorite shows: Bizarre Foods with Andy Zimmern on the Travel Channel. Oddly enough, my stomach always growls while watching this show. One particular episode, he featured some Bacon and Egg Ice Cream. I turned to Lindsey and said 'I want that'.

Skip ahead a few weeks when Jules put the hump in bacon. How she read my mind, I have no idea, but I finally had a recipe.

The pre-cooked bacon with brown sugar:

Caramelized Bacon:

In the Ice Cream Maker with the egg and whiskey custard:

The final results:

I swear I took a picture of Lindsey eating it, but she must have deleted the picture. I'm hoping she admits it, but she loved the ice cream.

The custard makes ice cream nice and creamy and the hint of cinnamon adds even more flavor. Use as much whiskey as you like, but you don't need to be drunk to enjoy this tasty treat. Yes, you can taste the bacon, but it tastes like candy nuggets of joy inside of frozen gold. Yes, the ice cream is that good, and I will be making it again.

I took the ice cream to Lindsey's family Christmas party. Some didn't know what it was, others did. Amazingly, everyone gave it a two thumbs up. Even the picky ones. I suggest everyone to give it a try. It takes no time at all and is well worth it.

Associate Minister Hans Joachim Keil is free

2008-12-17T10:04:00.002-07:00

The following article can be located here.

US drop charges against Minister

US drop charges against Minister

Hans Joachim Keil..free man.

Associate Minister Hans Joachim Keil is a free man.
He is not only coming home for Christmas, his name has been cleared and his United States citizenship has been restored.
A United States Federal Court judge in Missouri yesterday dismissed all criminal charges against Mr Keil, based on a motion filed by the U.S Attorney’s office in Springfield.
The motion did not specify the reasons for dropping the charges, except to say that in the interest of justice, asked the Court to dismiss the case without prejudice.

U.S. District Court Judge James C. England granted the motion.
Judge England also issued an order to refund Mr Keil’s US$25,000 security deposit for his bond release.
Yesterday, Prime Minister Tuilaepa Lupesoli’ai Sa’ilele Malielegaoi issued a special statement.

“The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade has received advice from our office in New York this morning that all charges that were brought against Hon Hans Joachim Keil have now been dismissed as of today Friday 12 December 2008,” Tuilaepa said.
“Further, the prior cancellation of Hon Joe Keil’s US passport will be revoked and that his proof of US citizenship is restored.”

“The Government wishes to advise this good news publically. Hon Joe Keil’s diplomatic passport was however returned to him yesterday. The matter of the return of his US passport and other US documents is yet to be completed.”

Tuilaepa told the media the Government was pleased with the decision by the United States.
He said Mr Keil’s case had become a major issue of discussion where Samoans here and abroad have expressed dissatisfaction over the handling of the matter.

The Prime Minister said yesterday’s decision should be the end of the matter.
Mr Keil’s U.S.-based attorney, John Kizer, said the decision proves Mr Keil has always been a U.S citizen.
“We are very pleased that the U.S. Attorney has dismissed the case,” Mr Kizer said in a statement.
“The decision by the U.S. Attorney today (yesterday) to dismiss the case vindicates Mr. Keil’s claim that he was, and has always been a citizen of the United States.

“Mr. Keil has honorably served this country in the military in a time of war. We regret he and his family had to suffer during the period of time he was incarcerated in the Green County Jail and while this matter was pending for several months.
“We hope Mr. Keil can get back to the normalcy in his life as a family man, Samoan Public Servant, Samoan Diplomat, and businessman.”

Mr Keil was arrested on 10 September in Missouri. He was charged with one count of falsely and willfully representing himself to be a U.S. citizen and one count of willfully and knowingly using and attempting to use a U.S. passport.
It is not known when he would return.

Midnight Conversation

2008-12-05T13:55:00.002-07:00

The following conversation took place spontaneously last night around midnight:

Me: Hey, you're snoring.

Lindsey: No I'm not. Don't be rude.

Me: I'm not being rude. You're snoring.

Lindsey: Don't let the car door hit you in the ass

Me: Huh? 'Don't let the car door hit me in the ass?' What does that mean?

Lindsey: Don't be rude.

Me: I'm not, you said it.

Lindsey: It means: What goes around comes around.

Me: What comes around?

Lindsey: You'll find out tomorrow

Hitler Reacts To BYU Loss

2008-11-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I feel his pain...

An Extraordinary Nutsnack Review

2008-11-24T11:53:00.003-07:00

I just did a review for my good friend Jules on some extraordinary nutsnacks. If you are debating on what to snack on tonight, go check out the nutsnack review, grab a napkin and prepare to salivate.

Phone Pic Friday: Go Green, Make Green

2008-11-21T14:21:00.003-07:00

We were watching The Office last night and I realized that the NBC logo was green. Apparently their marketing geniuses believe that if their logo is green, they are being eco-friendly. I am sure those tree hugging yuppies will eat it up and start buying more merchandise. Thank you NBC for saving the planet, one green logo at a time.

Phone Pic Friday: University of Mullet

2008-11-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

One of the many mullets I encountered at the Utah game...
Sent via BlackBerry

Phone Pic Friday: Corey Hart Would be Proud

2008-11-07T13:04:00.001-07:00

This is my chain wearing buddy sporting two pairs of glasses on the bus at 6:00 in the morning.
Sent via BlackBerry

Life of Rhymez

2008-11-04T18:41:00.006-07:00

The other day while I waited at the bus stop, I was standing by a power pole and noticed a piece of paper folded up in the wood crack. I opened it up and found this beauty. It wasn't titled, so I took the liberties. Also, please remember we live in Utah:

Life of Rhymez

(click for larger version)

I Know it's hard sometimez
But you Gotta be StronG N Roll onn
kuz there's Gonna be trips N Falls in life
but Get up-brush it off N Stand Strong
N one day all tha Pain will be Gone
Trust Me someday all tha Rain Will be Gone
So you Gotta stay StronG
N keep Keepin on

i know sum of you individualz struGGle in your Life Everyday
Whether your A Square With a 9-5
or A hood figga hustlin Just ta Get by
Kuz i come from a block blacker than tha pits of hell
So i had ta Learn to Stand Strong Just ta Live
Ran with hoGz Escortin krack blocks Across State lines
but Now i'm Lost in this Life of Rhymez

Loud N' Clear

2008-10-30T10:12:00.005-06:00

If any of you remember the Whisper 2000, you'll note the awesomeness it accomplished. How freaking awesome is it that the new and improved Loud N' Clear is out. For any feeling the joys of giving, Christmas is just around the corner.

Some of the highlights that modern technology will do for you:

Win Bingo before that ho bag next to you steals your winning card
Hear the opposite sex talk about you which always will be about how hot you are
Find Deer/Ducks/Rabbits/Elk/Buffalo/Women
Listen to your children play because you can't sit facing them
Enjoy a live football game and although the game is nice and loud, the screaming, whistling and hollering fans will not blow your eardrums out of your nostrils
Finally hear what your neighbors are saying behind your back

The Reiki Specialist Update

2008-10-16T15:42:00.001-06:00

Just thought you all would like an update on The Reiki Specialist...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Man accused of raping 2 women during job interviews

October 16th, 2008 @ 2:57pm

(KSL News) Detectives from the Salt Lake City Police Special Victims Unit arrested a man accused of raping at least two women.

Officers arrested 27-year-old David Anthony Burgess, who also goes by "Jay," on two counts of rape and a felony warrant for exploitation of prostitution.

Burgess is the manager of The Reiki Specialist. Reiki is a Japanese relaxation technique.

Police say one of his victims answered a job advertisement on Craig's List. The other was solicited by e-mail on MySpace. Both victims went to The Reiki Specialist for a job interview and were raped during the interview.

Both occurred in September of 2008 within one week of each other.

Officers believe there could be more victims and are asking anyone who has been or knows of someone who has been a victim of Burgess to call Detective Artis (801) 799-3678 or Sergeant Kent (801) 799-3420.

Online Petition for Associate Cabinet Minister Joe Keil

2008-09-30T07:54:00.002-06:00

I don't normally break from sarcasm and nonsense often, but I decided to post on something a little more serious this time.

This is in regards to my Uncle Joe Keil, Associate Cabinet Minister of Samoa. As an American citizen, on September 9th, 2008 while on his way back to Samoa from Brussels, Belgium on a diplomatic mission to the EU, Joe stops in Branson, Missouri to visit with family. He is forcibly detained by agents of the US Immigration Customs Enforcement, (ICE) His possessions were both searched and seized. No warrant for the search or for his arrest was shown. Joe was subsequently placed in handcuffs and shackles and housed in a cell in Missouri. He was initially denied visits from family and friends except for his legal counsel the day after his arrest. He is charged with felony counts of illegally obtaining and illegally using a US passport, though he has provided documents to DHS agents to prove the validity of both his US citizenship and the legal use of the US and Samoan passports.

September 12, 2008 Joe is finally allowed a visit from his three daughters, who cried upon seeing their father, stripped of his dignity in a jail jumpsuit, cuffed and shackled. He was kept in this fashion anytime he was outside of the cell until Monday, September 14, 2008, when Sheriff Jack Merritt and Captain Clayton kindly ordered the removal of these handcuffs and chains. He also mentioned the kind treatment he received from Lt. Howell and others during his time in jail.

September 17, 2008 Joe posts US $10,000 bond and is released from jail. The terms of his release include his restricted to travel no farther than the western half of Missouri. Upon release Joe found that his personal effects are missing to include his: California drivers’ licenses, US Federal Aviation Administration issued airline pilot’s license, his original Social Security card and both his US passport and diplomatic Samoan passport.

My family has started an online petition to free him and drop all charges that have been brought against him. You can read the full time line of his life including his birth, service in the U.S. Air Force, election of offices and up to the time of his arrest here.

Please sign the petition and pass this to all you know.

Phone Pic Friday: Chains Of Love

2008-09-12T11:49:00.002-06:00

This guy was sitting two rows in front of me on the bus. Notice the slick hair and awesome chain wrapped around his neck. What I wasn't able to take a picture of was the huge Master Lock connecting the chain ends on the front. Obviously he is waiting for some lucky lady to give the key to his heart to. Any takers?

Why The Beatles Can't Beat All

2008-09-05T11:38:00.006-06:00

I do not hold this a secret. In fact, many of you already know this about me. What I am about to say is considered blasphemy in the music world. But I don't care.

The Beatles suck.

I give them credit as songwriters, but as singers and performers, their talent is horrendous. In fact, their music sounds better 99% of the time when it is performed by someone else. Come with me, and we'll witness this together:

Blackbird: The Beatles vs. Sarah Mclachlan

What is the problem you say? How about the vocals suck by the Beatles. Let's face it, Simon, Paula and Randy would throw this vocal attempt right out the front door.

A Little Help From My Friends: The Beatles vs. Joe Cocker & Ellis Island Sound

It must be the fact that the Beatles were only able to learn 4 instruments, yet still only be able to use 2 or 3 in each song makes them hard to bare. Again, the shallow musical talent really shines through in what sounds like a couple of monkeys pounding on some Playschool instruments.

Yesterday: The Beatles vs. Boyz II Men

This one is sure to get a few of you upset. But before you try to tell me that the Beatles sound better, please focus on the vocal quality on this song. You can't be serious that Paul McCartney voice is pleasant. In fact, I'd rather scratch my nails on a chalkboard. If the Beatles could harmonize like Boyz II Men, they may have a case. But unfortunately when they try, dogs howl.

Norwegian Wood: The Beatles vs. P.M. Dawn

The Beatles version of this song has always been a favorite of organ grinder monkeys begging for money in the street. Thankfully P.M. Dawn rescued it from being completely stupid.

Let It Be: The Beatles vs. Nicky Thomas

Now, here is one song I will admit they do a good job at. However, Nicky Thomas showed and up made it even better. Granted, I have a reggae bias, it's still better and you know it.

One of two things has happened. Either you have gone through these songs and realized, hey, I'm right. Or b), you have realized I'm right but don't dare speak evil about the Beatles. Either case, I'm ready for the flaming. Bring it on, or let it be.

Dear Fashion Industry

2008-09-04T09:52:00.002-06:00

Please bring back the button fly and remove the skinny jeans.

When No News Is Better Than Any News

2008-08-27T09:15:00.004-06:00

Enjoy the Top News Story from a few weeks ago here in Utah. I'm sure glad they went live on scene to cover this horrific crime. And yes, I work right next door to this Burger King (which is in Salt Lake, not Ogden).

Phone Pic Friday: Flashy Socks

2008-08-22T08:38:00.004-06:00

For the most part, I'm good when it comes to taking sly pictures with my phone. I've taken countless photos of people who have no clue their face will be spread across the internet. Case in point would be the gweedo that stepped onto the bus the other morning. He had slicked back hair, black button up silk shirt with the top two buttons open. He exposed his hairy chest and gold chain hanging in the thick foliage. He had black slacks and some black Italian leisure shoes. It was obvious this guy was some type of hit man or son of a mafia leader. It wasn't until he sat down that I realized he was neither. His pants rose up and exposed some clean, calf high, white basketball socks.

I already had my phone out catching up on various blogs. Since I cannot turn off the click sound on my phone, I dialed my voice mail, then while in the call, I switched to my camera (A hint to all, this will make your camera take the picture silently). I slyly angled the camera towards his gleaming white socks to take the pic.

Quick rewind to 3 weeks ago when I updated my operating system on my Blackberry. Unbeknown to me, this update set the auto flash to default.

With a brilliant flash of light, my blackberry took the picture with the flash illuminating the entire bus. If you look carefully, you'll notice the white socks amongst the blur of me trying to do something with my phone other than have it pointed directly at Lil' Soprano.

The Ghettos Of Costco

2008-08-19T07:59:00.004-06:00

Awhile ago we were at Costco buying gallons of ketchup and bulk amounts of toothpaste and snacks. I always wander over to the movies and games to see if there is anything that I can get to waste my time away. While browsing the selection, a female Mexican gangster and her white counterpart strolled in front of me passing the games. They were busy chattering about boys they were going to hook up with and girls they were going to stab with prison shivs. The white one, in an attempt to show her Mexican friend with Sharpie drawn eyebrows that she was indeed just as cool and hardcore as her, glanced at the games and said loudly for all to hear, "These ghetto ass games", then picked right up where she left off in the conversation.

I chuckled loudly in a mocking manner, but all I caught were stares of disbelief that I would dare scoff at those truly magnificent words of wisdom. They continued past me to make their way to the ghetto ass markers, ghetto ass crayons and then over to the hairspray department.

I'm not quite sure I'll ever reach the ghetto ass status my female mentors showed me, but I guess this ghetto ass blog is a ghetto ass start.

Phone Pic Friday: Video Edition

2008-08-15T11:41:00.003-06:00

Being short on time and having lack of creativity, I decided to post a video of Porter babbling his nonsense. If you can decipher what he is saying, I will award you a poopy diaper.

2 Guys And A Scooter

2008-08-08T13:24:00.000-06:00

Scooter Taboo. You two just look stupid.

Sent via BlackBerry

Phone Pic Friday

2008-08-01T06:47:00.000-06:00

This is what happens when Lindsey leaves me alone with Porter.

Sent via BlackBerry

A Message to Ceridian FSA: Reimburse This

2008-07-29T07:40:00.003-06:00

I understand what an FSA account is for and why I have it. I'm glad I do. But what I'm trying to understand is why they have issued me an FSA Credit Card. The information clearly stated that I can skip the process of reimbursements and just pay with the card. That's all fine and dandy on paper, but why the hell do you keep rejecting everything I send in?

IHC Instacare $20: Rejected
I can maybe understand why you rejected it the first time. But after the seventh time for the exact same location and the exact same price, could it possibly be that it's STILL THE DAMN CO-PAY? Why do I even bother paying with the credit card knowing full well that when you get the recipt it is not 'itemized' to your liking? After all, I may be at the Instacare buying my favorite DVD. And it just so happens that there is no tax and it always comes to exactly $20. Thank you for making me call the Instacare each time to get a receipt that says co-pay since government wages can't help your brain work.

Smiths Pharmacy: Rejected
This is an obvious goof on my part. Since you disabled my FSA card because of the previous failure to provide an adequate receipt, I was now forced to submit my receipts through fax. I assumed that the itemized receipts with the information 'FLEXIBLE SPENDING TOTAL:$13.00' printed at the bottom was good enough. I guess we all know what happens when we assume. I didn't realize that the item titled 'Pharmacy' with the FSA information on the receipt was not enough information. I will promptly call the supermarket and see if they can dig up the actual name of the prescription per your request. It is quite possible that I have worked an inside deal with the Pharmacist to purchase licorice and frozen corn and have them show up as an FSA item. It's tricky, but I've almost got the kinks worked out

I will be sending new receipts in the next couple of days when I can get them faxed to me from each location. In the meantime, I would be happy to come over there and pull your heads out of your asses. And I'll even provide an itemized receipt.

Phone Pic Friday: Skinny Jeans

2008-07-24T18:39:00.001-06:00

Denim pants that look like ballet tights are cool
Sent via BlackBerry

Heath Ledger: The Oscar Joke(r)

2008-07-23T10:14:00.004-06:00

We went to see Batman last night. I am going out on a limb and say that I am not riding the Heath Ledger gravy train.

Don't get me wrong, he played his part as the Joker perfectly. But was he better than Jack Nicholson? I'm saying no. I'm also not saying that Nicholson played it better than Ledger. The fact is, the two played vastly different Joker roles. For those who have seen them both, or have yet to see The Dark Knight, take in account that Nicholson played his role as the comic book Joker better than anyone. The Dark Knight's take on the Joker to be a believable psychotic person; Ledger delivered an outstanding performance. As sad as it is to see Ledger die, I don't believe he deserves on Oscar based on his death.

Happy Mushroom

2008-07-18T07:46:00.003-06:00

My mother-in-law gave this to Lindsey for our yard. It's possible it was designed by the wife of the Ikea bowl guy. The only thing missing would be a bag of extraordinary nutsnacks.

wordle.net

2008-07-17T14:39:00.010-06:00

click to enlarge

I ran wordle.net on my blog to see how it looks. Apparently due to my last post, 'relaxation Reiki hour', contributed to the 'great size'. Ain't that ironic? If you are going to comment, please use at least 3 words from my word cloud in your post.

Click here to give yours a try.

Reiki Anyone?

2008-07-14T13:59:00.004-06:00

Next door to our office is a company called The Reiki Specialist. For the longest time we had no idea what it was. The only thing we knew was that the doors rarely opened and when the men would come out of it, they had a strange look on their face as if exiting the Twilight Zone. I finally found their website and would like to share a few bios and disclaimers posted there. Hit the website when you are done here and note the superbly taken photo's of each specialist while you read their bios. Interesting enough, someone here found some youtube videos.

Kimmy -
"Hi, I'm Kim and I'm a certified Reiki relaxation specialist. I offer light, medium and deep touch bodywork with a hint of seductive sensuality. I'm outgoing, have a friendly personality and I'm fun to be around. My friends say I'm a extremely flirtatious & I'd have to agree. I love being active & am involved in many outdoorsy sports. I love to please others and have a hard time saying no to people. I like getting to know clients, so we can have the best sessions possible. Enough about me come tell me about you & your relaxation needs."

Cathrine -
Hi, I'm Cathrine and I'm a certified Reiki specialist. I'm tall, beautiful (great body) and have an outgoing personality. I'm up for good conversation, relaxation and having fun at the same time. Come in and see me sometime, we would have a great time.

I'm not quite sure what a great body, sports and being flirtatious has to do with a massage. But in any case, let's take a look at the pricing:

Session Pricing

(1 Girl) 2 Hand Bodywork:
1 hour = $80
1.5 hour = $120
2 hour = $160
30 min = $45

(2 Girls) 4 Hand Bodywork:
1 hour = $160
1.5 hour = $240
2 hour = $320
Don't miss '2' for Tuesday (4 hand special all day = $130)

** Discounts available to members & VIP clients **

Couples Sessions:
1 hour = $160
1.5 hour = $240
2 hour = $320
** Discounts available to members & VIP clients **

I'm a little leery about what is involved in the 4 hand job.

Finally, the terms and conditions:

Terms and Conditions
Declaration made under Penalty of Perjury

In consideration of receiving services of value from my Reiki practitioner, I hereby declare under penalty, as follows:

1. That my true and legal information is submitted to THE REIKI SPECIALIST website staff, no false or intentionally false content/info is used to deceive the staff of the website.

2. That I am not a employee, agent or investigator of any federal, state, local government agency or law enforcement group engaging
in a investigation of my business.

3. That I am not recording any conversation or information that takes place on this website (thereikispecialist.com) or at either of our two locations.

I'll let you come to your own conclusions about The Reiki Specialist. If the idea of bikini-clad girls lightly tickling you in a room with an ipod, computer, laptop speakers, baby oil and vertical blinds doesn't make you scream exotic and relaxing, then click here for an appointment.

Phone Pic Friday:

2008-07-11T08:00:00.001-06:00

They are very yummi

Fishing For Tori Spelling

2008-07-10T13:07:00.004-06:00

For some reason, Lindsey has been watching some show about Tori Spelling. Even before she started to watch this, I have despised Tori Spelling. She is a no talent butter face that makes me want to puke. It's a good thing her daddy had money because any person that looks like a carp shouldn't be on TV.

Take These Pants And Shove It

2008-07-08T09:42:00.005-06:00

I don't know about the rest of you but I despise trying clothes on. I believe that the shoe manufacturers have figured this out. For the most part, the shirt people have as well.

The pants manufacturers are run by complete dumb asses.

If I want a pair of shoes, I know that no matter where I go, size 12 in any brand or style will be just that.

I don't know who the brains behind the operation is, but I would love to spend 3 minutes with them and cram every pair of pants that I have purchased that don't fit right up their *enter explicit word(s) here*.

How is possible that a size 34 at one store is a 38 in another? The length seems consistent. But the half-ass job they are doing on the waist sizes is a joke.

I have come to accept that when buying pants I am buying a size that is based on the designers own interpretation of that size. For some, a 36 may mean inches. Others may be centimeters. And the rest obviously guess.

Thank you morons who have no idea what the word size is. May you burn in hell.

Phone Pic Friday: Park City

2008-07-04T19:22:00.000-06:00

On the tram to the Silver King Mine.
Sent via BlackBerry

Things I Don't Care About

2008-07-03T08:18:00.004-06:00

I've compiled a short list of things I don't really care about. The problem is that most people do care about these things. I will do my best to explain. Whatever the case, don't be offended if you do care about it. I don't mind if you care, just as long as you don't mind that I don't.

Grain Fed Beef - I really don't give a crap what they inject into or feed cows. If it makes it more meaty, thats just dandy. If they make more milk, thats super. A salesperson came to my house once pitching me grain fed beef for 3 times the price of store bought stuff. I told him I really don't give a crap. He said I should worry about my kids. I told him he should worry about himself. I've lived my entire life eating steroid beef and I have never felt better.
Caribou - Now don't get me wrong, I don't wish death or eradication on anything (unless it tastes good). Ok, that was a joke. But if making these animals move homes so I can pay $1.50 for a gallon of gas is what it takes, then by golly, I will go up there and help them pack. We had no idea they were there until someone decided to drill. Besides, after I live someplace too long, a change of scenery is welcomed.
Tolerance - It's not so much that I hate being tolerant, it's that those who preach tolerance seem to think the word means 'Agree'. Look folks, tolerant means I may not agree with it, but I'll shut my mouth and let you do what you want to do. Case in point: In my High School every year the choir sang a song for graduation called 'Friends' by Michael W. Smith. This has been a tradition since the song came out. The year after I graduated, 1 person did not agree that the word 'God' should be sang because she was atheist. She sued that the school should be tolerant of her beliefs and had them ban singing that song. So let me get this straight, we need to be tolerant of you, but you will refuse to be tolerant of the 99% of the other people who don't give a crap what is said. People need to lighten up and understand the word tolerance and let people actually live their lives. The right of the minority have taken away the rights of the majority.
Going Green - I won't go into detail because I've blogged on this before. It's fad no different than Aerobics, pegged pants, fondue and Denim Skorts. Until you make it affordable, I really don't give a crap what happens to the earth.
Terrorists - Sorry, I really don't give a crap what they do to you in Guantanamo Bay. You are there because you want to kill innocent people. So if they want to hook your body to electric shocks and make you scream like a little girl, by all means, go for it. I realize that there is a margin of error and that sometimes people are there who are innocent. That sucks for you, but I'm sorry. If me being arrested on accident along with 100 other people who are stopped from killing thousands or millions, then so be it. If a stray bullet hits my son in my neighborhood because terrorists are hiding here, you better believe I'm not going to be pissed at the person who was there trying to take them out. I'm going to pissed off at the terrorists who brought it here. The needs of the many should always out weight the needs of the few. I can deal with that fact. I can deal dying if it's for a better cause to save others.
Sue Happy People - Look hag, you ordered coffee from McDonald's. Did you think it was cold? Who's fault is it that you put it between your legs and spilled it? IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. People need to start taking responsibility for their own actions. If I fall off a roller coaster ride because I stood up, then that's my fault. Nobody forced me to do it. Here's an idea for you people who want to be instant millionaires: Take a long walk off a short pier.
Hospitals - When Lindsey was going to have Porter, the Hospital would only accept certain insurances. Since I changed jobs a month before Porter was born, there was a big deal going on with the Hospital on how we were going to pay and with the Insurance company to cover it. Look smacktards, you are going to get your money one way or another. Get your head out of your asses and start taking ALL insurance.
Diets - I see the whole point on being healthy and eating nothing but celery and drinking lemon water. I have seen people who are 90 years old and it doesn't look too fun. I'm not going to live my life never enjoying chocolate or potato chips. Life is too short to miss out on all the good stuff. I'll do what I can to excercise and eat good stuff here and there. But there is no way in HELL I am giving up junk food.
Organic - It's cool if you want to eat organic. More power to you. But I've eaten pesticide fruit and vegetables my entire life and so far so good. I refuse to pay 3 times the amount for apples because Farmer Joe hand picked them and stood outside all day long wtih a fly swatter to fend off bugs. Don't try to sell me on organic by telling me all the harm pesticides do when quite frankly, me nor anybody I have ever known has had those symptoms. Just tell it like it is. You are scared of what they COULD do, so you want to eat organic. I'm cool with that.

This list is always growing. And I've really only covered a few of them. Whatever you do, don't be offended. You are welcome to call me stupid and a moron, I can tolerate that. I'm just asking for the same in return.

Adolescence in the office

2008-07-01T08:59:00.001-06:00

I somewhat understood why High School and Jr. High boys found it humorous to leave a crap in the toilet loaded up with toilet paper. But can someone please explain to me why someone in an office building would do the same thing?

Phone Pic Friday: Newlywed Car

2008-06-27T09:10:00.003-06:00

One of the first times I am happy to say I had nothing to do with this car decorating. Congrats Jen!

Circus Acts and Side Shows. What Else Are Kids For?

2008-06-25T12:56:00.001-06:00

When Porter was about 18 months old we somehow taught him to fart on command. Although we used the Samoan word (Kaepu), we could say it anywhere, anytime and without even thinking about it, he would push as hard as he could and lay one out. We could usually get two or three in a row. I obviously found this quite humorous. Some didn't. Eventually, I could always blame it on Porter.

We've been trying to get the little bugger potty trained for a month now. Tempting him with new cars and letting the water run in the sink will get him excited to sit on the toilet, but other than that, it's just a chair for him.

Skip to today.

He sat on the toilet and I realized why teaching him to kaepu at such a young age was not only enjoyment for the rest of us, but skills for later in life. That's right. I coaxed him to push one out and a little turd dropped into the toilet. Once he gets into big boy underwear, kaepuing may be a little risky since he may be pushing more than air. And if that happens, everyone will probably blame daddy.

Phone Pic Friday

2008-06-19T23:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Lady With Flower Panties,

If you're going to sit on a bench with hundreds of people around you, please wear clothes that fit.

P.S.
Thanks for not wearing a thong.

Phone Pic Friday: Loud talker and a challenge

2008-06-13T10:17:00.001-06:00

This is loud phone guy that rides the bus. He likes to talk loud so everyone can hear how successful and popular he is. He likes the words 'dude' and 'sucka'. He is mid thirties and balding.

And I ended up sitting next to him.

And now for the challenge. Use your phone to take a pic of a stranger as close as possible. No zooming allowed. Closest pic wins.
Sent via BlackBerry

Raisins

2008-06-11T15:47:00.001-06:00

Raisins do not belong in cookies. End of story.

Josh Brolin > USPS

2008-06-10T10:19:00.001-06:00

I've realized today that I am taking technology and advances in society for granted. Case in point:

I ordered a game from Amazon on May 28th. The 3-5 day shipping estimated it to be here on June 5th. Below is the tracking on my shipment:

Electronic Shipping Info Received, May 29, 2008
Processed, June 02, 2008, 11:07 pm, DENVER, CO 80217
Processed, June 03, 2008, 1:12 pm, DENVER, CO 80217
Processed, June 06, 2008, 11:11 am, SAINT PAUL, MN 55121

I live in Utah. The product started in Colorado. It's obvious that my package is taking the scenic route. I've called Amazon and they informed me that if it is not here by Friday, they will send me a replacement.

At first I am somewhat upset that my package is taking longer than expected. I demand it be here on the 5th. If my package is lost, I will cause chaos.

Then the thought crosses my mind that I've had friends live in third world countries. They were lucky to get their mail within a month, let alone at all. And often times when they did get it, it was opened and things were removed. Granted the Pony Express was faster than this, I still need to figure that my entire life, I've never had anything lost in the mail and I've always received my mail in time. So I'm going to forget about ranting about how lame the USPS is because I am now in the 2% margin of error. I'm lucky that I even get to enjoy shopping from home.

Sometimes, being a statistic isn't as bad as we think.

The Art of Laser Tag

2008-06-09T10:47:00.000-06:00

What you are about to read is a true story. I was 14. If you use these tactics in the battlefield today, you will become a winner like me.

------------------------------------------

When you enter the arena of Laser Tag, there's the strategy of winning and the strategy of being stupid. I'm a winner.

It was simple. You and 3 buddies climb to the look-off point and while they watch your sides, you pick people off like they were cockroaches running from the light. We had it down so well we always kept the top 3 spots.

So it's no wonder that while we were about to start a new round, I took my skills to a different direction. People started to catch on to our cunning wisdom that it soon became a race to get to the top of the point. This time I would work my way around the outside and take out the people heading there. You only have 15 minutes, so you have to play it smart. Like me. I rushed the outer edge taking out a few innocent losers. I turned down a long corridor at the same time some other soon-to-be loser did. I ducked behind a pillar and waited for him to cross my path.

He obviously ran off because he never came. I turned down the corridor and he started to rush me. I ducked back behind the pole.

Still nothing. The retard was toying with me.

I jumped out of the corner and took some shots down in his direction. Apparently he was good. Real good. He jumped out as well and returned fire.

I took cover once again. Time passed. Apparently we were the only ones on this end of the arena. I peeked out again to see if he was still there. Yep. He's looking right at me.

Take note. There are people who play this game who apparently like to sit in one spot and not move around and trap people. This loser was doing this to me. It was time for him to die.

My magnificent mind was running through scenarios. Perhaps if I crawl over there or duck and roll he will not be ready for it. I needed some cover fire though. I blind fired my gun a few times. I started to run out and he ran at me again. We shot back and forth at each other making the OK Corral look like child's play. I ducked behind the pole.

Could this be a stalemate? Have I met my match?

I peeked out again.

His stupid little head was watching me.

Another peek.

He was still there.

This is where reality hits

I wave.

He waves.

It was at this very second that I realized that some idiot designer decided to put a mirror on one end of the corridor. For the last 10 minutes I successfully played Laser Tag with myself.

Phone Pic Friday

2008-06-06T10:50:00.001-06:00

Year of the Potato

2008-06-04T15:37:00.000-06:00

It's International Year of the Potato. I've compiled a list of things revolving around the Potato that can help you join in the celebration. If you are a member of PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Potatoes), I advise you to leave.

Do NOT eat Tortilla Chips. Those caught eating these are considered Anti-Potato-ites and is considered a hate group.
5 course meals that consist entirely of Potatoes.

Potato soup. (Boiled potato water with foamy potato cream on top. Topped with a Pringle)
Potato Skin Salad. (Boiled or dry potato skins dressed with bacon bits and ranch dressing)
Mashed Potatoes
Medium Rare Grilled Potato (Soft on the outside, slightly warm hard center)
Hot Potato & Ice Cream (A steaming hot potato topped with chocolate ice cream and drenched in hot fudge).

Buy a Mr. Potato Head. Throw bucket-o-parts away.
Build a potato canon and shoot potatoes at Tortilla Chip eaters.
Watch Mashed Taters.

Please, add to this list if you can think of more ways to honor the wonderful world of the potato.

Hey Mitt!

2008-06-03T06:50:00.001-06:00

My sisters and I have debated writing a pilot script revolving around my Mom. As my mom is always giving and full of service, she more often than not, lacks common sense. I will attempt to portray some of these stories to you. Keep in mind that my mom is from Samoa and has a Samoan/New Zealand/English accent. She is about 5'4" and has just turned 72. We all call her Hoogie as it was a nickname I gave her when I was about 9.

A few months ago, my Mom was campaigning heavily for Mitt Romney (I am in no ways trying to throw anything political here. So just read and enjoy it for what it's worth). She would attend fund raisers and while she didn't have any money to throw for him, she instead gave of her time calling for people to donate money. This usually started with myself and my sisters. Thankfully she would warn me that she was going to call, and I would warn her that I was not going to donate money to anybody.

At the last fund raiser, she took her seat to make her phone calls when she was joined by a Hispanic lady which I will refer to as HL (Hispanic Lady. My mom never caught her name). Overly thrilled was my mom, since Mitt was attending this fund raiser. The following are the conversations and events that took place, told to me by my Mother.

HL: Hi
Hoogie: Hello, how are you?
HL: I'm great! I always campaign for Mitt. I have given so much money to fund him.
Hoogie: Oh. Well, I just like to come help out.

At some point, my mom was in a conversation with another person about chocolate cakes that she makes. FYI, These cakes are 2 feet wide and 8 inches tall. This is no exaggeration. If you would like one for a party, contact me. Remember this. It will come to light soon.

HL: Wow, I am hungry. Are you hungry?
Hoogie: Not really.
HL: Come, let's go get something to eat.

At this point, my Mom spied Mitt Romney walking through and meeting with people.

Hoogie: It's Mitt! I want to go take a picture.
HL: But I'm hungry, let's eat!
Hoogie: Not right now, I want to meet Mitt!

My Mom and HL made their way over and soon found themselves behind Mr. Romney.

Hoogie: HEY MITT! (At the same time she yelled this, she slapped Mitt with her backhand on the shoulder from behind)
Mitt: Oh, hey there!
Hoogie: Hey Mitt! How about a picture?
Mitt: Of course!

My mom handed the camera to a girl standing close by. She took 2 pictures:

In case you are wondering, no, that it not my Mother in that picture.

My mom returned to her seat to see the pictures that were taken.

HL: Are you hungry now?

Heartbroken at the results of the pictures, she finally agreed.

Hoogie: Ok...But I will not eat anything.

They walked to the food stand together. HL ordered her food, then turned to my mom:

HL: Oh...I forgot my money. Will you pay for mine?
Hoogie: Oh. Well OK.

She pays for her food, and gets nothing for herself. They walk back to their seats.

---------------------------------------

It is 9:30 now, and the fund raiser is close to being finished. Mitt is making one more round through the people.

HL: Hey look! Mitt is coming back! Let me borrow your camera.
Hoogie: No, you cannot borrow my camera.
HL: It will be really fast.
Hoogie: No! I am going to get MY picture taken.

Once again, my mom pushes her way through the crowd and rushes up to Mitt. She slaps Mitt on the arm once more.

Hoogie: Hey Mitt! The first picture didn't turn out so good. How about another one?
Mitt: It didn't? Yeah, let's get a good one. We'll have one of my guys take it this time.

My mom being overly excited she finally got to have her picture taken, returns to her seat.

HL: Oh, I do not want to drive home tonight. It is raining and I do not like to drive in the rain.
Hoogie: Where do you live?
HL: Provo (About 40 minutes south of Salt Lake)
Hoogie: Oh. Yeah, you should be careful in the rain.
HL: Maybe I can sleep at your house?
Hoogie: Of course you can! You are more than welcome to.
HL: Oh that would be great. I will come to your house and eat cake!
Hoogie: But I haven't made any cakes.
HL: Then you will make me a cake and I will eat it.
Hoogie: ...

The fund raiser is over and my mom and HL are walking to their cars.

HL: I just bought a brand new car.
Hoogie: Oh, that is nice!
HL: Are you married?
Hoogie: Yes I am married. It's just me and my husband in the house.
HL: Oh. Well, let's not tell him I am sleeping over.
Hoogie: Why not?
HL: Because, then I will hide under the bed at night, and I will jump out and scare him!
Hoogie: Huh?

They get into their cars and HL follows my mom to her house. At this point it strikes my mom that HL is a little weird and it may not be the best idea to have her sleep over. In a panic, my mom has no idea how to lose HL. She drives to her house and they park in front. My mom then says the first thing that comes to mind.

Hoogie: Ok, this is where I live. But you will have to park your car outside. But I will warn you. If you park your car here, it will get stripped tonight. They will take your tires, your radio and maybe even steal your car.
HL: I don't want to park in the front! I do not want my car to be stripped! It is brand new!
Hoogie: I'm sorry, but if you stay here, you have to park here and that is what happens here.
HL: You know, I think I will just drive back to Provo.

Phone Pic Friday: Lindsey Racer

2008-05-30T10:47:00.000-06:00

Sent via BlackBerry

Fw: best

2008-05-26T13:03:00.001-06:00

I received this very uplifting spam today.

Thanks Forest. Whoever you are.

------Original Message------
From: Forest Wynn
To:
ReplyTo: impetigowz71@faithchoice.com
Sent: May 26, 2008 11:20 AM
Subject: best

your life is crap.

Phone Pic Friday: Dog Day Afternoon

2008-05-23T08:21:00.000-06:00

Sent via BlackBerry

Phone Pic Friday

2008-05-16T09:31:00.000-06:00

If you leave your cell phone lying around, I will make this your wallpaper.

An Open Letter to Kirby Vacuums Pt. 2

2008-05-15T09:21:00.000-06:00

I received a reply from Kirby regarding my email. I've also posted my response in return.

------------------------------------------------------

We appreciate receiving your e-mail and your comments about how the Kirby home care systems are sold.

We understand your concern about door-to-door salespeople. The Kirby Company has been in business since 1914, and as a direct sales company, our marketing strategy does differ from what you have experienced with other retail products. Our one-on-one presentations are the hallmark of our direct selling effort in more than 60 countries. The Kirby Company has found the product could be sold most successfully by salespeople through in-home demonstrations. Consumers are looking for high quality products which can be adapted to meet their specific needs along with the convenience of shopping from their home.

Please note that Kirby authorized distributorships are independently owned and operated businesses. The Kirby Company does not condone any inappropriate behavior by the independent distributorships and apologizes for your experience. If you have any information about which distributorship was in your home, please advise. When we receive the information, we will discuss your concerns with the owner of the distributorship involved.

If you have any further questions, feel free to contact us again.

Thank you for writing.

----------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for the reply. While I will agree with you that the past has shown a great success in your sales, I am not aware that Kirby has tried to sell their vacuums through retail chains or the internet in the history of it’s company. It would be unfair at this point to suggest that door-to-door is the best solution when alternative methods have not been tested. While I agree that the convenience of shopping from their home is a plus for many buyers, this convenience has now presented itself by way of the internet. Times and patterns of shopping by a new generation of buyers, should also be adapted by the seller. There are people out there, such as myself, who are willing to buy a Kirby. But the pressure of an in-home sales person and a 2 hour demonstration removes any idea of purchasing. I strongly urge Kirby to rethink the idea of adding retail and internet sales to its line.

I’ve supplied the name and contact information of the Kirby distributer below. I would suggest that those in charge of consumer affairs within Kirby do an internet search on the track record of Kirby. It’s not hard to see that while people are satisfied with the product, the sales people and their tactics put a hurt on the Kirby name. Please understand that the reason the practice of lying to get in to my door is done, is because of the history of Kirby salesmen. Had I have known what he was selling and how long it was going to take, I would never have let them in the door. I am a very open minded consumer and am usually very willing to listen to a sales person if they are honest and up front about what they are selling. I know that the training on selling the Kirby brand and demonstrations are not specific to the distributor. I’ve read and heard of the exact same practice across the country. I strongly urge you to change the training on how to sell to be focused on honesty and value.

Again, thank you for your time.

V.H. Enterprises L.L.C.
801.651.1338

An Open Letter to Kirby Vacuums

2008-05-14T12:43:00.001-06:00

If you haven't read our experience with the Kirby Vacuum salesmen, read it here. I've sent the following letter to Kirby in hopes someone gives it a read.

------------------------------------------------------------------

We recently had a door-to-door salesman come to our house disguised as 'A local cleaning company just trying to get their business name out'. After agreeing to a '20 minute carpet cleaning', we were treated to a 2hour 30min presentation on Kirby vacuums during our dinner.

While I am impressed with the Kirby vacuums, I am not impressed with the blatant lie that was given to me to get inside my house. The shady tactics has left a bad taste in my mouth. After talking with others around me, it seems that these stories of lying salesman does not stop in my neighborhood.

You have a great product and a great vacuum. However, it is marred by a horrible sales practice that leave many to never want one of your vacuums, no matter how great they are.

After knowing the price the distributors get them for, why have you not moved to selling your vacuums through retail chains? With high-end vacuums in stores that sell for $500-$600, the reputation of the Kirby performance will justify the cost to those looking for vacuums.

I am sure this email is one of many, and perhaps will be deleted along with the rest. But if there is one thing I wish you to understand, we the consumers are sick of shady door-to-door salesmen. Times have changed and so has certain business models. Kirby seems to be stuck in the past and is continuing to dirty its already shady reputation of a slick talking, lying, greedy company. Whether it's the distributors to blame, or you, it's time to rethink the way consumers buy.

I Want My Own Fries

2008-05-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

I'm a man. Because of this, I love food. I also love my wife. Sometimes both these worlds collide and I am stuck in the middle of a crossroad. This crossroad is usually at Carls Jr. or Crown Burger. It presents itself as such:

me: What are you getting?
Linds: Probably just the hamburger. We can share fries.

It's not that I am greedy or that I don't like to share. It's that I am greedy with my fries and I don't want to share them. There are times however that I will share my fries. If we are at Training Table and the fries come in a family size portion. But when it's a single helping, my manliness kicks in and I find that one of 2 things are going to happen.

1) I get my own fries and am in trouble for not sharing.
2) I get my own fries, she gets her own fries, and I get to eat whatever is left.

What usually ends up happening is my stomach wins and the conversation ends as quickly as it started:

me: No, I want my own fries.
Linds: Whatever.

Phone Pic Friday

2008-05-09T08:36:00.001-06:00

Yep. He's asleep at his desk.

Phone Pic Friday

2008-05-02T07:31:00.000-06:00

Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good Mexican like that.

When I Grow Up Pt. 4

2008-04-30T12:56:00.000-06:00

Rat Breeder

It all started with my first rat that I named Parley P. Rat. We called him Parley for short. He was white with brown spots. I loved my rat. He would clean my teeth by sticking his head in my mouth and eat any food that was left behind after dinner. I'd also let him roam the house freely. He had his usual hiding spots and no matter where he was, I could tap on the floor and call his name and he would come running.

I then got another rat, Raziel, and without thinking, put them in the same cage together. Since Parley was a male, and Raziel was a female, rat magic took place. A few months later, I had 8 more rats. It then dawned on me that I could have an unlimited supply of rats that I could then sell to the pet store for snake food or other pets and make serious cash. I bought another cage and let nature take it's course. I suppose at one time I had 60 or so rats crammed in 2 cages. I did however keep Parley in a separate cage in my room because he was not just a breeder.

The time came when I took my collection of rats to the pet store and was offered $.03 per rat.

This was not good.

It hit like a Mac truck that I was not going to be able to cover my costs of breeding, so I didn't go back.

However, my rats stayed in the cages in the garage. Being un-smart and forgetful, I didn't tend to my rats as I should have, save Parley. I learned a few lessons in this brief stint of my life:

Incest causes mutated rats.
Rats will eat each other if they are hungry enough.

I know that this post will most likely cause anger from groups of PETA, but that's life. My rats dwindled in numbers when I forgot to feed them. Soon, my 60 or so rats was narrowed down to 40, then 30 and so on. It finally was down to 2.

Raziel and Lot #42 were all that remained. Because Razeil and L42 had lived the last month or so off other rats, they were extremely huge, and extremely mean. So mean, that they must have had a battle royal leaving Raziel as the evilest rat on earth. I didn't know what to do with her so I left her in her cage in our basement.

Just to set the mood of our basement, the house was built around the 1910's. The basement was more or less a standing crawlspace under the house and is one of those basements you see serial killers put bodies.

I don't know how it happened, but she somehow escaped. Everybody feared going down there because that evil rat would make an appearance and attack without warning. It ate our rice and potatoes we would put in our basement. We tried to kill it with a BB gun, but it would only be seen when we didn't have it with us. The rat was a true demon of hell.

We never caught the rat. We never knew what happened to it. It evaded our rat traps and must have lived out it's life in our basement. Either that, or it may still be down there waiting to feast on some small child.

Phone Pic Friday

2008-04-25T13:39:00.000-06:00

Cecily started doing a Foto Friday to end the week of blogging. I like the idea because I don't have to write anything lengthy either. However, I'm going to switch it up a bit and call mine Phone Pic Friday. You will all be treated to a pic from my phone that I have taken during the week.

In case you have been wondering where Tommy Chong has been all these years, I spied him working on the roof next door, just outside my window.

When I Grow Up Pt. 3

2008-04-24T08:01:00.000-06:00

SPY

Growing up in our house meant you didn't eat junk food. Let me rephrase that. Growing up in our house meant you didn't eat what my parents considered junk food. Just so you can understand just exactly what was and what wasn't junk food, let me break it down.

Junk Food

McDonald's
Sweetened Cold Cereal (Luck Charms, Trix etc..)
Campbell's Soup
Pepperoni Pizza
Kool Aid

Healthy Food

Wendy's or Crown Burger
Grape Nuts / Raisin Bran
Homemade Chicken Soup with real bones (these were not removed when eating)
Canadian Bacon & Pineapple Pizza
Soda Pop

It's not that hard to tell that junk food growing up meant food my parents didn't like. In fact, the first time I ever ate at McDonald's was when I was a junior in High School.

Someone who worked in the marketing department at Kellogg's had the same parents. Why do I know this? Because in an effort to keep herself regular, my mother only bought Kellogg's Raisin Bran. Since this was all that was available in the house, we had no choice but to eat the bran flakes mixed with raisins that were as hard as a gummy bear left in the freezer. And it was one day that she brought home a box of Raisin Bran that I saw there was a mail-in order for Rear View Sunglasses.

2 box tops (6:15 mark) and 6-8 weeks later, I had my very own pair of Rear View Spy Sunglasses.

Forget the fact that they protruded 6 inches on each direction off the side of my head, I was able to see everything behind me. I wore them everywhere. Corey Hart was jealous. It was then I realized my calling in life was to be a spy.

Lucky for me there was a spy store in the mall. It was great. Everything was legit and real. None of this crappy plastic stuff you buy at the dollar store. Night Vision Goggles, Stun Guns, Pepper Spray, hidden mic's, small video cameras...the list went on. It was so legit that the prices were off the chart for my small lawn mowing pay. Not to mention you had to be 18 to buy most items.

I saved my coin and was able to purchase a pair of hand cuffs.

I had no idea what to do with these handcuffs other than cuff myself to my dresser and toss the key 20 feet away to see what I would do if I were ever in a kidnapped situation. I got creative and learned how to pick the lock with a paper clip.

That's about where this career ended. I realized I was never going to get my night vision goggles. My parents nixed the idea of a stun gun. And $500 for a pinhole camera just wasn't feasible. Sure I had the handcuffs, but I had no means to spy and secure any known criminal.

Soon after this, I watched The Escape Artist. And I realized that magic and locksmithing was calling my name.

Global Annoyance

2008-04-21T13:11:00.000-06:00

Let me pad this by saying I have no problems with keeping our air clean and recycling.

Now that it's out of the way, if I have to hear the words 'Global Warming' or 'Go Green' one more time, I may just go postal. I'm not here to make a political statement. On the contrary, I am trying to do the opposite. I wish that those running for political office would stop using this as a selling point. Every commercial, TV show, news report and ad I see is force feeding me the notion that I am destroying the earth every time I turn on my lights, water my lawn, eat, breathe, blink, fart or pee.

If you want to sell your product, pitch me how much money I am saving if I do so. Scratch that. Don't try to tell me that by switching my light bulbs for 'green friendly' bulbs at $15 a piece is going to save me $25 this year on my power bill. Make sure to inform me that I must first spend that $500 extra on these bulbs that supposedly last 10 years yet somehow only last 6 months. If the whole scam boils down to me covering my costs on these light bulbs over the next 20 years, I'm not interested.

I don't care about turning my electricity off for 1 hour this month to 'be green'. I'm most likely going to keep it on 1 hour longer that night to make up for crap I wasn't able to get done while sitting in the dark.

I could care less if your broadcast company decides to do your show in the dark to prove you just saved 10 gigawatts of electricity. You haven't really done anything grand, since tomorrow night, you're going to use another 10.

Congratulations on making biodegradable socks and clothes hangers. I will not pay you 10 times the amount for these items because A) after a year or 2, my socks have always degraded on their own, and I personally would rather have my clothes hangers last a lifetime....idiot.

Until I see evidence otherwise, going green and stopping global warming for the time being is nothing more than political hype and a way for companies to make more money. It's a bandwagon term being thrown around to be more profitable. I'm not going to get into a discussion on whether or not global warming is happening. Quite frankly, we all new it was going to happen after we watched Waterworld. I just hope I can mutate and grow gills as this would really be awesome.

When I Grow Up Pt. 2

2008-04-16T13:15:00.000-06:00

Leatherworker

It was about the time I started scouts when I realized that my calling in life was to work with leather. The craze may have started with boondoggle or my pleather cowboy boots my mom bought for me from Payless. Either way, I remember scout camp and being fascinated by 6 things. Playing with fire, rock rolling, tree rocking, shooting, archery and leather working. Obviously, I tried my best at all of these, but only one stood out.

Playing with fire - There really was no science to it at all. You basically take a stick out of the fire and toss it at some other guys tent or sleeping bag and watch him freak out. This caused me to lose my 'Firem'n Chit' card and I was no longer able to get within 10 feet of an open flame.

Rock Rolling - This one took skill and muscle. Usually a few muscles. It started out with rocks the size of your head, then slowly got bigger and bigger. The object was to find the biggest rock possible and roll it down the steepest longest hill possible. The skill came in making sure it didn't roll over people or horses. Things got progressively worse as we found a crowbar in our leaders trunk. There wasn't much in our way anymore and soon boulders the size of cars were mowing down the forest. Disciplinary action followed.

Tree Rocking - Another skill+muscle art. You find a nice big tree (dying ones seemed to fall best) and start rocking it. You rock it harder and harder until finally the entire tree uproots or snaps at the base making for an excellent wake up call at 5am. We lost our 'Wood Chit' card for this one. Unfortunately, when you are in the middle of the woods, they can't make you stay 10 feet away from trees.

Shooting - Single shot .22's were not that fun during scout camp, unless you made it fun. Paper targets at 50 yards were easy pickings. Shooting squirrels running along the trees were much funner and a better test of one's accuracy. Disciplinary action followed.

Archery - This time, hitting a squirrel with a bow and arrow is just as hard as you think. Never actually got one, but being caught trying to do it was bad enough. Disciplinary action followed.

Leatherworking - I have no idea why this caught my attention. Looking back, all I was ever able to make were key chains that could double as drink coasters and a belt that looks as if some Indian had sent a last dying message to his family with an arrow stuck in his eye. After scout camp, my dad took me to Tandy Leather and let me buy leather scraps, a hammer and some design tools that I would beat into the leather. It really did just end up being scraps.

It's possible that the reason I hate southwestern decor so much is because of the relationship of Leather and Disciplinary action. If I had followed my course with leather, who knows? Maybe I could be making horse saddles, boots or leather whips. Then again, I suppose Lindsey is glad I dropped that before we met.

Snake Bite or Maggots

2008-04-14T16:02:00.000-06:00

I will not post the pictures here on the blog, I will let you click on the links if you feel up to the task.

I spend time on Snopes quite often. Mainly when I get an email from someone. If the images or story seem fishy to me, I check Snopes before I pass it along. Looking back at all the Snopes stories I have read, I've brought up two of some of the worst.
Thanks to Jason for the snakebite email.

Click the links to see the pics before you make your vote.

If no lasting damage happened, would you rather suffer from:

Maggots on the brain
or
A Rattlesnake bite

Idol Gives Back?

2008-04-11T14:31:00.001-06:00

This week, American Idol held a concert to 'Give Back' to poor third world countries. I watched the first little bit and took notes on a few things. Please note that I am not opposed to helping those in need. I just take a few issues with those asking for my money.

The very first thing I see is Snoop Dogg up with $50-$100k worth of jewelry on his body. The diamond encrusted microphone was probably another $100k. I see pictures online of all these other artists driving Bentleys, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's. They live in million dollar homes. They fly private jets. They spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on their pets alone. They spend unheard of amounts of money on clothing. Here is a group of people who's net worth is in the billions combined. And they are asking ME for money?

Here's a question for you. Hey Snoop, how about not buying your $50,000 ring thing month and donate that to cleaning water in Africa. Hey Bono, why not skip on that 279th pair of $500 sunglasses and throw some of that to some starving children. Hey Madonna, why not sell that private jet and give some money to those kids you are so 'willing' to help? Hey Fox exec's, just exactly what is your take home pay? How much money do you make in comparison to me? How much money have you donated out of YOUR pocket to help those in need?

Look folks, I don't make millions of dollars each year. I don't have excess money coming out of my ears to donate to all these causes. Let's try a reverse benefit cause shall we? Let's have normal people like you and me, put on a show that will get broadcast for free on TV. But let's see how much money we can raise off Hollywood alone. How about it is their turn to pick up the phone and start donating.

Giving back means YOU are giving back what you have made. Is American Idol really giving back? Or are they just taking our money and passing it on?

Tagged

2008-04-09T11:32:00.000-06:00

Kacy tagged me the other day, and since I don't have much experience in this area, I will do the best I can.

10 Years Ago - April 1998. This was an odd time. In fact, it's very interesting that this happens to be the specific month in subject. In April 1998 I was going through some personal anguish due to the fact that my girlfriend dumped me for no reason. I actually had no idea she dumped me, I just assumed she dumped me because she didn't ever call me or return my calls. For 3 months.

During this three month period, I was living with my good friend Adam. One night me and Adam were watching something on TV and saw a commercial for Miss Cleo (first 3 minutes were free). We had a brain of an idea to call up Miss Cleo and see why my girlfriend dumped me.

We gave Miss Cleo a call and some Mexican guy answered that wasn't Miss Cleo. He first prepped me that I would travel the world and have a great business. Then he said my girlfriend found someone else. With stopwatch in hand, we hung up 3 minutes later.

I learned a few different things in April 1998. First, if I avoided my girlfriend, she would eventually come back. Second, Miss Cleo does not answer the phone. And Third, the Mexican Psychic was full of crap.

5 Things On My ToDo List (in no particular order)-

Sand and paint the garage
Fix tiller
Change music on iPod
Use tiller in garden while listening to iPod
Sell the 2 DVR's in our basement and use the money to buy a blu-ray player and/or an AK47 as long as Lindsey approves.

5 Snacks I Enjoy -

Oriental Rice Crackers
Snyders of Hanover Jalapeño or Spicy Buffalo Wing Pretzel Pieces.
Wonder Bars
Doritos
Chips & Salsa

5 Food I Love -

Steak
Pork
Chicken
Meat
Bratwurst

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WERE SUDDENLY A BILLIONAIRE -

Buy Lindsey a Range Rover and a BMW. Buy myself a Delorean and a 1967 Camaro. Then buy an NFL football team for Utah.

5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED -

Utah
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Mothers Womb
World of Warcraft (Yes, I have given up my life to play this at one time. I have since recovered and have been sober for almost 2 years.)

Favorite Quote -

". Although it's only competitor is the ', the " is something I just can't live without.

I tag SAM, ENSH and KIM.

Some Dudes Head

2008-04-08T07:17:00.000-06:00

I ride the bus 3 days a week because is too expensive to drive and it's nice to not deal with stupid people who aren't aware of others. You know the guy...he has no idea what a signal is or even the fact that you are even on the same road as him.

Every once in awhile, some of these people decide to take the bus. I know these are the same people because they will sit in front of me. I know because while I sit on my chair leaning forward a little, the person who decides to take the seat in front of me sits down and instantly throws the recliner on the chair as fast and as hard as possible. This in turns cracks me on the head and they begin their nap. For the rest of my ride, I now to get to stare at some dudes head. I am now crammed in my seat and have the option of reclining my seat and then making the person behind me incredibly uncomfortable.

I opt not to. Because I don't cut people off in traffic, I use my signal, and more importantly; I don't want to make the lady behind me stare at some dudes head for the next 40 minutes.

Sent via BlackBerry

Grated foil

2008-04-07T10:18:00.000-06:00

Pick Your Poison:

Grate your knuckles down a cheese grater:

or

Chew on tinfoil for 5 minutes:

When I Grow Up

2008-04-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

Throughout my years, I've had different dreams of careers. I'm going to take a look back over the next few posts and give you a taste of what I dreamed to be when I was younger. If any of you have perhaps lived any of these dreams, please, share with me.

World Famous Mime

I was 7. A mime came and performed at our school. At that time, I didn't really grasp the fact that if I went into this line of work, I would become what we call a "Street Performer". I didn't realize that the pay was whatever change people may have in their pocket and that I would make many appearances in people's nightmares.

My parents bought an IBM PCjr around this time and hours of would be practice ended up being wasted playing Kings Quest. After a few short shows in front of my family, it was obvious that my skills were lacking and there was no market for mimes that didn't wear white and black tights with ballet slippers.

My View

2008-03-27T07:11:00.001-06:00

Click to Enlarge

A week or so ago Jason posted his view out his office window. It was obvious that at first glance, his view appears to be much cooler and tranquil than mine. So I have marked a few items on my view that may just change your mind on who has the better view.

1. Someone lives here. I have no idea who or why, but this is someones house. Occasionally someone comes out, but for the most part they stay inside. It's strange because it is tucked behind 2 restaurants, 2 parking garages, 3 office buildings and a warehouse.

2. This door remains a mystery to me. It's quite possible that government experiments are happening behind this door. When it does open, its only for 30 seconds and 3 guys in black suits leave or enter. Usually when they leave, they either have briefcases or a large body bag.

3. This is where the local bums in the area come to find aluminum cans. Sometimes they find breakfast. (It's also right next to my horrible stitch job of 2 pictures taken with my camera phone)

4. They stop here next. Usually this is just full of office crap. This one is not as frequented as much.

5. My Car

6. This is a building with an onion dome on top. I haven't ever paid attention to what it is when I have driven by, so as of right now, it's a Hindu Temple.

7. This is where the U of U plays football. It is an eyesore when I look out the window. I tried to use a magic marker and scribble it out so I didn't have to see it, but then when I looked out a different angle I could still see it. My friend Corbin loves the U. I know he is going to read this and most likely be jealous of my view. For the record, BYU beat Utah 17 - 10 last year. And yes, Harline is still open (sorry, I couldn't resist).

8. The Rocky Mountains. (Also above them is the reflection from the lights inside my office)

9. The reflection of my mouse and mouse pad.

10. This is the roof of another building. Last year there was a guy on here looking at the A/C unit you see. So I randomly knocked on the window to get his attention then hid under my desk. I did it about 4 times. After the 5th time I popped my head up to see if he was looking around and he was standing directly in front of my window trying to peek through the tint and see who was knocking. Luckily one of my co-workers walked into my cubicle at that exact moment and was accused of being an idiot.

11. Cafe d' bolla. They have awesome bubble tea.

March Madness

2008-03-17T15:02:00.000-06:00

I'm interrupting this to invite all to join the Yahoo! March Madness tourney bracket (the ultimate in pick your poison). It's open for all you who read this and are interested:

Click here to join.

If at least 10 people sign up, the prize for whoever gets the highest points will get this:

That's right, an unopened box of 1990 Pro Set NHL Hockey Cards. I would have given one of my boxes of basketball cards, but I'm down to 4 left. I have too many of these. I don't know anything about hockey, but I have these cards. Get them for you, your wife, your husband, your kids, your mailman. They are MINT in the box.

You have til Thursday morning.

Soup is not a meal

2008-03-12T10:32:00.000-06:00

This was discussed on Seinfeld and discussed at my work. I'm sorry folks, but soup is not a meal. It's a bowl of water with some random vegetables boiled in there. This is why soup is always served with rolls, or before the real meal. Even with rolls, you end up eating more rolls than soup to satisfy your hunger. Chowder or stew can be considered a meal. It's thick, it's chunky and can be served in a bread bowl. You can eat it and not have to run to Burger King an hour later.

Like Father Like Son

2008-03-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we took Porter to Jungle Jim's. It's a little play land with roller coaster rides, Ferris Wheel and other kid oriented enjoyments. Upon entering the overwhelming smell of Pizza and feet overtook my senses. Little gangsters and teenage mothers scattered around the place cutting in lines to make sure their kids could ride first. One particular family caught my attention. As sly as I could be, I was able to snap a picture of Dad (yes, that is a nipple that is overjoyed to be seen):

I couldn't get a picture of mom, she is hidden behind Sister/sister-in-law/girlfriend/mom#2. Between the 3 of them there were 3 kids. They plopped their kids into one of the rides and I was able to spy this little gem:

Yes, Dad was extremely proud of his son. He was dressed identically to dad, except a sweet piece of bling was added to the baby. If I could have just 15 seconds with this little baby and have him understand my words, I would council him with this:

"Kid, you're screwed"

Boontard = ME

2008-02-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

As cool as it was to be #1 on the google search for boontard, I also just royally screwed myself as the picture of me shows up when you do a google image search for boontard. Thanks you guys.

Thanks.

Boontard

2008-02-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

I received these pics in an email. If you don't know what a Boontard is, now you do. This is the future of our country. Heaven help us...
(I do not take credit for the captions, they were already in the email as well)

The spray on tan that some of these guys have is freaking priceless. Plus the hair is sweet too.

The guy in front is a loser because he doesn't have his collar popped.

What the hell is with the "Blue Steel?"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Steroids are awesome

"I wish I was a little bit steroid-ier."

Goose makes me look so cool.

It's angry guy from before joined by Sly Stallone's creepy cousin.

I wish those were reverse lights.

I can't tell, is this the same guy?

"Check me out. I just bought some sweet new jump suits and I'm super psyched to try out this new hair gel."

The two guys on the right are a little too pale. Perhaps their oompa-loompa friend could help them out.

Now doesn't he look so much better in this picture?

If the objective was to grab your attention, mission accomplished. Tell me your eyes didn't go straight to the pink jacket.

"Wait, so how many layers of this stuff were we supposed to put on?"

These guys could use a couple cans of tan.

Hollow Man

2008-02-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

When I bought my first DVD player back in 1998, I went crazy buying every DVD imaginable. The very first was Terminator 2, followed by Aliens and Lethal Weapon 4. One movie I purchased was Hollow Man. Judging from the trailers at the time, the special effects looked worthy of a purchase.

This movie sucks. It sucked so bad, Lindsey and I finished watching it to see how bad it could really suck. I have yet to see a movie as stupid and retarded as Hollow Man. I'm not going to bother you with the details of the movie, you may stop reading. The point is; this lame, very stupid, waste of 113 min movie is still in our collection. Maybe it's because I don't have enough money to pay someone to take it, or it could be that I don't want to throw it away and say I just threw money in the garbage. No, I think it is that it makes my collection look 1 DVD bigger.

I've also come to the conclusion (after talking to many people about this stupid movie) that everyone has a Hollow Man in their collection. You know, the DVD you picked up and had never seen before. And it was only until you brought it home and watched it that you realized that the director and writer should be drawn and quartered?

So now when I go to buy a DVD, I only buy ones I've seen. I'll always have a Hollow Man to remind me of that.

So, what's your Hollow Man?

Big $$$ Ideas for Nintendo

2008-02-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've been playing the Nintendo Wii lately. I don't have one, I just leech of others. If you aren't familiar, as it is a gaming console, the thing that sets it aside is the interactive games. The graphics are horrid, but the ability to actually be physically active makes it fun. Take boxing or tennis, rather than sitting in a trance while holding a controller when you play, you get to actually do all the actions and movements and hopefully not throw your controller through your T.V.

After experiencing the Wii for a few weeks, I have created some great games that I think Nintendo should seriously consider to most likely increase their revenuce by 500,000,000%

Dr. 90210 - Movies and TV shows make great transfers to video games. This should be no exception. Here's a quick synopsis of the gameplay:

Liposuction - How much fat can you remove from in the time limit? Use forward and backwards sawing movements as fast as possible.

Rhinoplasty - Gently tap with your controller to remove parts of the bone. Be careful not to remove too much, you may end up with Sloth from Goonies.

Face Lift - Use the Nunchuck and controller to pull the skin tight with both hands. Make sure it's even or your patient may look like Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Tuba Hero - Guitar Hero and Rock Band move over! Finally you can appreciate the talent of your H.S. band.

Rock left and right while holding the controllers next to your lips. Don't worry about hitting too many notes, Tuba Champion only requires 2 (low pitch and high pitch) for 4 full minutes: bum BUM bum BUM bum BUM bum BUM.....you get the idea. NOW GO TAKE STATE!!

Super Dentist - Drill into the teeth with as much pressure and force as possible. Make sure you measure your Novacaine correctly and stick that needle in as many places as possible. Use both the Nunchuck and controller to scrape tarter off teeth, gums and bones. Extra points to scrape the Hairy Tongue.

Paparazzi Champion - Use you controller to take pictures of celebrities to earn mad cash! Hold it low on your hip for sneaky photos or quickly shove it on the T.V. for an 'In your face' shot. Hide in cars, trees, dressing rooms, walls, toilets, cupboards to take embarassing shots. Watch your career soar as your celebrity targets hit all time lows. Get more points for each picture you take that makes celebrities feel horrible and want to commit suicide.

Google Image

2008-01-28T10:23:00.001-07:00

I google imaged my name and put up the first image in the results:

Apparently, I am a god. Or just an old man with horns. What do the rest of you come up with? Let's see a post on your blogs of the first image (no cheating, post whatever it is. Unless it's pr0n)that comes up with your name. (I did first name only)

On to something even more interesting.

We were about to go to sleep last night when we saw "Half man, half tree" on TLC. We turned it on and for the next hour sat there with our mouths open scratching our skin in disbelief.

If you don't want to hit those links and want to know WTF that is, it's warts. Warts from the depths of hell to be exact. I told Lindsey that the other guy on the show had hands that looked like chicken crispers or chicken fingers.

Thanks TLC for shows like this. It really makes me feel great inside. Now it's almost lunch and I need to decide: do I want honey mustard or bbq sauce?

Tag*2

2008-01-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

Kim tagged me, so here goes:

Two names you go by:
1. Awesomeness
2. The Man

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. My mind (on my sleeve)
2. Deodorant

Two things you would want or have in a relationship:
1. Big Screen TV
2. A Pet Rat

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Play me some Xbox 360
2. Rather not say

Two things you want very badly right now:
1. A Delorian
2. A Bidet in the office toilet

Two things you did last night:
1. Played me some Xbox 360
2. Rather not say

Two things you ate yesterday:
1. Jr. Mint
2. Another Jr. Mint

Two things you did today:
1. Pirated Music
2. Built a mobile solution dashboard

Two longest car rides:
1. 2 block taxi cab ride in NY
2. Mesquite to Primm Valley NV after eating a laxative breakfast.

Two favorite holidays:
1. Ball Point Pen Day - June 10th
2. Boxing Day

Two favorite beverages:
1. Pruno
2. Brussels Sprout Soda.

Two things about me:
1. I'd rather have electronics than clothes
2. I gave myself a tattoo with a needle and thread

Two jobs I have had in my life:
1. Botched
2. Good

Two places I have lived:
1. Attic
2. Dream Land (That's what my mom used to say anyways)

Two of my favorite foods:
1. Meat
2. Dairy

Two places I would rather be right now:
1. Space
2. Chernobyl

Think Differently

2008-01-17T07:54:00.001-07:00

Johnny Lawrence is crack-sack bully. You know it, I know it. Let's start with some facts. Right from the get go, he's an abusive boyfriend. He is also very destructive. I think it stems from his "Little Chuck Norris" syndrome. He wants to be him, but realizes he can't. So instead, he beats the crap out of a ghetto blaster. He does have a motorcycle, but since he can't do any tricks on it, he throws sand everywhere at people while he peels out. Since his girlfriend dumped him, all he has is a posse of hair helmets.

So when a new kid shows up at school, he decides to karate kick him in the face. The new kid only has a bicycle, so it's not as cool as a motorcycle. You know it, I know it. It's also not as fast. So when the new kid tried to pedal faster than a motorcycle, he falls down a hill and breaks his bike. He falls because Johnny has to chase him on his motorcycle like a real douche.

But Johnny gets jealous because the girl he can't have goes after the new kid. And the new kid is pretty uncoordinated. The only thing he knows how to kick is bricks out of the girls house...and Johnny knows how to kick his face. So Johnny dresses up like a skeleton and smokes weed. Then he leads his army of skeletons to beat the living crap out of the new kid. But guess what? Some old oriental dude beats the crap out of ALL the skeleton guys.

Then the new kid starts learning some moves from the old oriental guy and enters a tournament. Johnny wants to break the new kids face in this tournament. But instead of breaking his face, he sweeps his leg and tears his ACL. BUT WAIT! New kid learned a move that Johnny never learned from "Sensei Moose Knuckle". And Johnny ends up getting kicked in the orbital socket.

-----------------------------

Ever since I knew about Johnny I hated him. So when I got tagged to think differently, I decided I should give Johnny a chance. I stepped back and took a ride in the Johnny Shoes. And whoa, what a difference I saw:

-----------------------------

Johnny had a cool girlfriend named Ali (with an 'i'). Her parents really liked him too. But then just out of the blue she dumps him like a sack of cabbage. He's seriously depressed. So his buddies tried to cheer him up with a motorcycle ride on the beach. And he saw his ex there with some new guy. He wanted to go talk to her and maybe meet the lucky guy and give him his blessing. But the girl cops an attitude and doesn't want to talk and she gets all pissy and cranks her stereo up so he can't talk. So he turns it off. She turns it on. Then he picks it up to take the batteries out and it slips out of his hands and breaks on the sand. Then all of a sudden, new guy starts yelling at him and being rude and takes a cheap shot at him. Johnny got freaked out and didn't want to get beat up, so he uses his self defense to block the new kids stomach. Then him and his friends leave the beach because it's obvious the girl doesn't want to talk. Maybe she is going through that time of the month and he should talk again in a week or so.

So one night they are riding motorcycles again and they see the new kid on his bicycle. So Johnny wanted to go talk to the new kid and see if he wanted to join them on a motorcycle ride (Johnny had a spare motorcycle). But the new kid wouldn't slow down. He kept trying to catch up with him to find out where he was from and see if he wanted to go get a root beer real quick. But instead the kid went down a hill and did an awesome trick. Johnny thought that was a cool trick and liked the new kid.

Johnny saw the new kid at Karate class and knew he wanted to learn some moves. So at a Halloween dance, Johnny and his friends decided to dress up like The Grateful Dead. Johnny likes playing jokes on his friends, so he was making an exploding cigarette for fun to play on someone when all of a sudden when he is taking a poo, a pipe breaks and water leaks all over him smearing his make-up. Johnny ran out of the bathroom because it scared the crap out of him and he sees the new kid dressed like a shower running away. Johnny realized that the kid put the water on him and was laughing at him. Johnny wasn't happy and wanted to talk it out with the kid. He chases him down the street and finally caught up with him. Since Johnny liked the new kid, he wanted to show him some cool karate moves. But the new kid kept moving around and stuff and Johnny accidentally kicked him in the tooth. So his friends felt bad and helped him up so Johnny could show him more moves. But Johnny was so tired from running, his timing was off and accidentally punched him in the eyelid. Then all of a sudden, some crazy Japanese dude did a roundhouse on Johnny's nose and almost broke it.

After that night, Johnny realized that the new kid was going to fight him in a karate tournament. During the tournament, Johnny's sensei told him a new move to try. When Johnny tried the new move, he saw that he really hurt the new kid. He felt real bad and tried to say he was sorry, but it was too late. The new kid recovered and then for the last point, the new kid was standing with his arms in the air really weird. Johnny didn't know what to think and then *CRACK*...Johnny felt his sinuses get pushed through his frontal lobe.

It was then that Johnny realized how cool the new kid was. And he said to him "You're all right, LaRusso". And after that they were best buddies.

So next time you see Johnny, give him the benefit of the doubt. He's been through a lot and just wants to be your friend too.

Eco-friendly Billionaires

2008-01-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

I usually try not to post things that may cause conflicting views, but I can't resist this time. Lindsey was reading a magazine the other night and I glanced over to see a page about a lady who was "Green Friendly". One item I noticed was something similar to this:

Yes, it looks like a normal sweater but it was an organic cotton sweater. The price in the magazine was around $300. A pair of organic cotton Levi's for $250. No matter how you want to look at it or justify it, companies are labelling items as eco-friendly, green, organic or whatever clever marketing scheme they can think up to sell items at 3+ times the price to make you think you are making a difference. Whether you are or aren't, it's all a scam. Why on earth would I spend $200 for a sweater when I can go to Old Navy and get one on clearance for $15?

I also give you the eco-friendly dog bed. Hello. This is a dog. They lick themselves, eat poop, roll in mud and sleep in vomit. Does a dog care what it sleeps on? Are people really buying into this and spending this much money on a dog?

Eco-friendly Lawn Mower. I saw this on a deal website once. A guy was rambling on and on about the dangerous fumes of a lawn mower and suggested the whole world should be using electric mowers. Ok...so let me see, the mower cuts a 14" width and lasts about an hour. So just exactly how many days will it take me to mow a 1/3 acre lawn? And this is supposed to be a viable alternative? I might as well use finger nail clippers.

I was unable to find the link, but I saw a thing on the news a few months ago about eco-friendly cupboards. They were made out of recycled compressed paper. Paper. Last time I checked, my cupboards were not letting out any type of exhaust. My cupboards are already 80% particle board with laminate on it. So what happens when something spills in my cupboard? Does it bio-degrade the shelf leaving me with an environmentally friendly hole? Oh yes, and the price of these were about double what normal cupboards cost.

Grain-fed beef. A guy came to our house awhile ago with this whole pitch of how the meat he was selling was from safe, grain-fed cattle. The cows feces were Eco-friendly waste. The cost? $20 for a 4oz piece of rib eye. My exact words: "Sorry man, I don't really give a crap what the cow ate. I don't have any extra limbs from eating store bought meat and I'm not going to pay triple the amount for that".

This post is not argue if things are or are not eco-friendly (that's another post at another time). It's so you understand that these companies are slapping 'Eco-Friendly' on anything they sell to jack the price up. They know the media and politicians are all about being 'green', so they know where they can make their money. Let's face it, the only green they want is the green in the pocketbook.

Lindsey Hero III

2008-01-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was told if I used the first picture I would no longer have man parts.

This is what I have been watching for the last hour or so. She has been playing one song all night. 'My Name is Jonas - Weezer'. She will not rest until she completes the song with a perfect rating. Because of this, every time she screws up, it is somehow my fault. It's not completely false, because sometimes it is my fault. I'll randomly shout colors that don't match what is on the screen. Or cheer and clap to throw her off. But sometimes it isn't worth it. She can be violent you know. Punches, kicks...I fear that soon that guitar will be wrapped over my head.

If I have to hear this song one more time I'm going to wrap the guitar around my own head.

PLEASE OH PLEASE GET A PERFECT ALREADY!!

What Devilry...

2007-12-21T15:36:00.001-07:00

The other day I walked into Porters room and glanced at his dresser:

It took me a second but then it hit me. Something is wrong here. What is THIS doing on his dresser?

Everyone knows how much I hate clowns. And yet somehow, this evil doll from hell showed up on his dresser. Finally after prying it out of Lindsey, I find out that my mother-in-law decided to put that clown on his dresser for him. It was quickly removed from the room and placed in a hidden place to which he cannot escape when he wakes up at night. I now know why Porter was waking up in the middle of the night screaming. Yes, it was the clown. You tell me, would you want to wake up to this in the middle of the night? *shudder*

Modal Nodes

2007-12-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

The Modal Nodes

When I was a kid, Star Wars was my life. I have always been a big fan. I keep that in the closet for the most part. I so wanted to be Luke Skywalker or Han Solo. In fact, I wanted to be anything on that movie.

So is it no wonder that I could transform myself into one of the Modal Nodes by wrapping my underwear around my head, and while looking out the leg holes, play my recorder while jumping on the bed?

I didn't think so.

Carmel Popcorn

2007-12-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

Anytime we watch a UFC fight, everyone brings drinks, chips or some other type of food. I always bring this popcorn. It's easy, and once you start eating it, you might as well keep a napkin handy because you're going to eat the whole thing.

Carmel Popcorn

2 bags microwave popcorn (preferably non-butter). Remove un-popped kernels and pour popcorn into large bowl.

In medium pot, add:
1/3 cup sugar
½ cup corn syrup
2 sticks butter (not margarine)
Bring to boil for 2 min or until butter blends w/ sugar

Take off heat and add 1 tsp vanilla
Pour caramel sauce over popcorn and blend well

Off-Roading at Best Buy

2007-12-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in the Best Buy parking lot ready to do some Christmas shopping. Since it hasn't been warm enough to melt the snow, there's snow mounds everywhere.

I used to have a truck. A man truck. A Ford F-350 to be exact. It sucked gas like a drowning victim coming up for air. I work 25 miles away so the truck sat in the garage.

It's now parked in someone elses garage. I'm not bitter, it's best this way. In all honesty I didn't need a truck that big. I don't haul anything big. It just hauled my ego.

Here at Best Buy, I see someones ego parked on a snow mound. It's a nice truck, don't get me wrong. I used to do the same thing in the winter. Nothing was funner than watching Lindsey get out of the passenger side and drop 6 feet.

But this is different. Ego is squatting in front, taking a picture of his truck on the snow mound. He is proud. He looks around to see if anyone is seeing this incredible display of manhood. He snaps some more pics, climbs into his cab and drives off.

A lowered Yukon Denali spies the empty spot and parks.

How to make (good) Hot Cocoa

2007-12-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

Lindsey thinks I'm crazy about my hot cocoa, but I have it down to a science. Trust me, it's not as easy as cocoa + water. Follow these directions and the stuff you find at Starbucks ain't got nothin on this.

1. It 's not what kind of cocoa, its how much. However, I do recommend Stephens Hot Cocoa. If you do the recommended amount, your cocoa is going to be watered down. Stephens directions is one scoop per cup. Let's up the ante and we are going to use 2 1/2 - 3 scoops. If you are using packets, use 3:

2. Coffee Creamer is not just for coffee. Get your favorite flavor. Hazelnut is awesome, so is Irish Cream. This time we are using Pralines and Carmel. While your water is boiling, pour the creamer into the cup of cocoa and mix it into a nice paste. It's best to use a fork. This prevents chocolate clumps in your cup when the water is poured in. Let it sit there until the water is ready.

3. When the water is ready, pour a small amount of water into the cup and mix the paste in with the small amount of water. This will thin out the paste and make sure no paste gets left on the bottom of the cup. Mix it well and scrape it all off the bottom.

4. Finally, pour the rest of the water in the cup while stirring. You should get a nice froth of chocolate on the top. Let it sit for a few minutes to cool down and enjoy.

Can't Say I Didn't Try

2007-12-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

You all asked for pictures of the white jump suits. Below is my email conversions with KUTR:

ME:

This is going to sound awfully strange, but I used to listen to KUTR as a kid some 20+ years ago. (I am hoping this is the same station). I believe it was 1985, KUTR put on a Christmas Caroling contest at the 49th Street Galleria. My mom had entered our family to perform, and well, let's just say that our performance was not your standard Christmas Carol. I was just wondering, we were reminiscing as a family this year about that contest and realized that we did not have a single photograph of it. I know it was along time ago, but is there any chance that the vaults of KUTR still have pictures of this event? Thanks,-Ammon Kemmethmueller

KUTR:

Hi Ammon,
Thanks for emailing. Wow, you have a great memory. There was an FM station in the 80's called KUTR, but those call letters have been sold several times and it's now an AM owned by Bonneville International so, no, and sorry there are no archives or photos from that time. If they exist, they'd be in the vault or scrapbook of whatever company owned the signal back then and I'm sorry I don't know who that would be.Best to you and thanks for listening,
Steven Kapp Perry

ME:

Hey Steven, When you completely humiliate yourself in front of a crowd of people, it's not that easy to rid yourself of that memory. Thanks for your reply, I knew my chances weren't good. And it's probably best for my dignity if those pictures never came out. -Ammon

49th Street Sleigh Ride

2007-12-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ask me first to tell you the first thing pops into my head when I think of Christmas, and it's 'Sleigh Ride'. No, that is not a good thing. Most people love this classic holiday tune. I despise it. Not because it's annoying, stupid, pointless and embarrassing. It's what made it annoying, stupid, pointless and embarrassing.

The 49th Street Galleria was a grand place to spend my childhood. It was complete with arcades, bowling, batting cages, amusement rides, mini-golf and food. The place was always packed. Always lines to go bowling on weeknights or weekends. Even the awesome Crystal Gale performed at one time. It was a family favorite. So great was it, that after BYU football games, my dad would have us scour the ENTIRE stadium (of 65,000 seats) picking up discarded ticket stubs. We could usually pull in a few hundred at least after each game. You see, the 49the SG would accept 1 ticket stub for a free game of mini golf, bowling, batting cages or the Centrifuge. So for family night, we would all pile into the Chrysler Minivan, head to the Galleria and spend absolutely $0.00 for an entire night of fun (no, they would not buy us treats).

This is important to know. We had spent so much time there, that my mom had heard of a contest being held at the Galleria. It was a Christmas Carolling contest.

I was 9 years old. My 3 older sisters - 17, 16 and 13. My mother told us we were going to be entering this contest, and there would be no debating it. It was carefully concocted. Let's start with the costumes.

My mom loved to sew. She had purchased mass amounts of white polyester fabric and after measuring all of us, sewed together each of our very own Michelin Man outfits. It came complete with a belt as well, that too, the same white polyester material. She also sewed some 'snow balls' which were white polyester balls stuffed with cotton.

She then planned out a brilliantly orchestrated performance to the song: Sleigh Ride.

The months leading to the contest could best be described as boot camp. My mom was the only one excited about this, but my dad had no choice to give in. So he as well made sure that everyone wore their flammable suits with a smile.

The day had come to perform. We were near the last to be on, so we were able to watch the majority of the contest from the crowd's perspective. There were 2 guys singing folk renditions of classic songs, another family, sang in harmony to their choice of tunes. Others were solo on a guitar or piano. All of them dressed in rather normal clothing, singing mellow tones of Christmas cheer.

And then it began:

My dad and I were first to appear on stage. I sat on a plastic sled with dozens of homemade snow balls around me, my dad, holding on to the rope of the sled, his pockets filled with the same soft bundles of joy. The music started and my dad bolted out from the side of the stage. I was a lightweight back then, so he hurled me around in circles on the stage. While he ran around the stage he threw his best fast balls of snow balls out to the crowd. Some caught them, others got pelted. They didn't know what to do with them and tossed them back on stage. I tried my best to hold on, but those polyester suits were just too slick. I rolled out near the center of the stage.

I was the lucky one to start out singing solo:

Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin
Mmmblrtnnngr......too
C'mon it..mmmm..ring it too.

My sisters and the rest of the family shot out from all sides saving me from my public humiliation. We sang and danced, holding picture frames for that annoying Curreir and Ives. I forgot almost all the words to the song, but mumbled my way through. The final verse, and my dad hauled me away back on my sled.

I'm not sure what happened to those suits. Quite possibly, they could have been up for auction next to Liberace's favorite jacket. Maybe some fan kept their snowballs as remembrance. The memories I have of that fateful night, was that I know where my migraines come from when I hear Sleigh Ride. And in case you are wondering, no, we didn't win the contest, but we did win 6 free passes to the 49th Street Galleria.